The Funniest Jokes

Knee-slappers? More like face-slappers.
Please enjoy the immense pain derived from the tragedy of these amazing jokes.
These were gathered into an anthology of groaning from the darkest corners of the internet. Haha jokes , funny jokes , oh man , someone please throw cold water on me.



What does an angry jalapeno do?
Gets jalapeno face!


What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!


Why does the little mermaid wear seashells?
Because A shells and B shells were too small!


What did the sea cucumber say to the mollusk?

With fronds like this who needs anemones?


What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh!

What do you call a dictionary of drugs?Addictionary.



How do you know Indians were the first people in America?
Because they have reservations!


Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure?
Because he was a little shellfish!


What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything!


What does a vegan zombie eat?
 Graaaaaaainss!


Where did George Washington keep his armies?
In his sleevies!


What was Beethoven's favorite fruit?
BA-NA-NAAAAAA


What is a pony with a cough?
A little hoarse!


A magician was driving down the road...
... then he turned into a driveway!


Why is there no gambling in Africa?
Too many cheetahs!


Why are all the frogs around here dead?
Because they keep croaking!


Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog?
He wanted to get a long little doggy!


Have you heard about the corduroy pillow?
It's making headlines!


What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from prison?
A small medium at large!


BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE!

A dog walks into a telegraph office, puts $1 on the counter and says:
"Woof woof woof, woof woof, woof woof woof woof"

The operator says to the dog "Its $1 for 10 words, shall I put another woof on there?"
The dog then says "But that wouldn't make any sense!"

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Studies show that six out of seven dwarves aren't happy.
The same study also said 6 of the 7 seven dwarves aren't grumpy either.


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TRY THIS

How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?

...Now try reading that sentence out loud. Getcha? Got me!

+++

1 1 was a racehorse,
1 2 was 1 2.
When 1 1 1 1 race
1 2 1 1 2.

And finally...

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they wished to  portray, as long as they were famous. 

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him." 

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," replied Willis. "I'll play him." 

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid."
Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"  Arnold in a slow deliberate voice replied, "I'll be Bach."