And it was about that time that the lion hopped the school gate and walked onto the main ground. As if the soccer field were the Savannah, the king of beasts out of place strutted casually about the thick chalk lines like this was already his territory. Then again, should he decide that to be the case, who was going to say he was wrong?
It was my second day on the job as the assistant math teachers at Dalerose Elementary School.
The students reacted like child actors out of a B-movie. They acted exactly as you expected, their surprise was no surprise. Lining the window, some recoiled while others marveled, eyes growing bigger the longer they stared. A couple turned to their best friends and asked "What should we do?" as if the other seven-year-old had taken emergency lion attack classes at the local community center. A couple of girls started crying just a little from the shock. A few boys continued staring in awe even as the reality set in, muttering "cool" under their breath.
What snapped everyone out of wherever in their mind that lion's appearance took them was when it started approaching the school entrance. I guess it really always had been plotting a lazy course, but it took a number of slow motion seconds before it was obvious that the door of the school was open and that's seemed to be the lion's destination, as if on a premeditated mission or just after scraps of school lunch from the cafeteria next door.
My brain swirled with practicality, my years of experience as a consulting actuary boiling everything down to practical action for effective results, though how best to handle a lion entering an elementary didn't have a matrix of possibilities in place. Strangely enough, having no ideas in the moment, I apprehensively looked to the kids.
I moved over and squatted down between the group of huddled girls who worked themselves back into a corner while the boys still stood in file along the edge of the window.
"Okay. Okay. Okay. Class. We have a problem--"
"THAT'S A LION! A LION! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!"
"Listen. Listen to me, we shouldn't--we mustn't allow ourselves to overreact."
"A LION A LION (wait until my Mom hears about this) that's a LION out there! TEACHER! TEACHER! TEACHER!"
"Alright, settle down now settle down."
"WHY!?"
"Because… that's what you do when you see a lion. You just settle down."
"IS THAT THE BEST THING TO DO BEFORE HE EATS YOUR FACE!?"
"No, not really, but now let's remember what we learned in maths."
"Teacher, I don't see how multiplication will help us here."
"No, no (and we haven't studied that yet) I'm talking about probability."
"Proba-what?"
"Now, something unknown and impossible is occurring. This can't happen. Logically, the only appropriate response is one of equal impossibility." He couldn't believe it, he was actually convincing himself. And he couldn't believe the kids were buying it.
"Okay, we'll beat the lion with math, YEAH!"
"AH YES, beat lions with MATH."
The teacher was sweating, yet managed to stay cool. "That's right, we'll beat it with math. So, the first illogical thing to do… is settle down."
"MATH OR NO MATH, THAT LION WILL STILL EAT FACES, TEACHER."
"Yes, indeed. So, for the next thing I'm… I'm going to go and punch that lion in the face."
"WHAAAT-T-T!?"
"Yes, it is the only way."
With that, I strode out. Walked out the school and into the yard where the lion was prowling closer to the school.
Steadying my nerve, looking at the fierce visage staring back, a "who the hell do you think you are" swagger reflecting my nervous tension in beastly eyes, it was a moment of truth…
I walked right up to the lion and punched square in the nose. A right hook with force, thrown haymaker style that sent the animal reeling backwards, as it let out a terrible scream. Even though I had only been at the school a couple days, I could already recognize the loud squeal of some of the girls in class, though I hadn't got their names yet. Even in this moment, strange how the thought that came into my brain was "and now they'll never forget my name."
The lion cowered back, and made a motion like it was going to leap, but stayed its place, roared, then began to saunter away with the same casual gait it had approached the school with minutes ago, as if nothing had happened out of the ordinary.
I yelled a few taunts after it, which brought growls. Things like, "This is a no lion zone," and "school is no place for you, lion, you can't even read," and "that's right! Ha!"
The student crowded around the hall outside of class as I walked back in, giddy as can be though still in disbelief. I mean, come on, that was a freaking lion, king of the jungle and eater of faces. A lion that just had its face punched by a maths teacher.
Some boys were still glued to the window to witness the beast meander out the way it come. The girls were feverish, screaming "How did you do it? How did you beat a lion in a fight?"
I had been prepared for this moment, in the case I should return unharmed, still only barely believing what happened myself. "I beat it… with mathematics!"
I could have said anything, but the rallying cry of mathematics went around the class. From that day on, all the students had a new favorite subject and favorite teacher at the school.
Half an hour, after the commotion subsided some and I went to change my shirt due to profuse sweating, I stopped by the principal's office. Mr. Malcolm was still changing out of the lion suit. Who knew taxidermy could be such a useful hobby.
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