Socrates Smith was a thinker and doer for the people, using his outstanding grasp of the world and all its concepts to expose the falseness of the evil people around us. He works tirelessly as a LPIofP, a Local Private Investigator of People, for the people, completely uncompensated with only his pride as payment. With his extreme intellect he outwits and stuns would-be bad guys, befuddling them with his brawny brain and righting the wrong for the benefit of all.
(Actually, Socrates Smith is an insane asshole who thinks he is too smart and takes "concerned citizen" to its extremes and everyone hates him and thinks he's ugly.)
Anyway, here's a day in the life of LPIofP, Socrates Smith.
It wouldn't be long now.
I had been awaiting Sneaky Dan for what seemed like days. Of course, my clocks always fast so I never know the time, but I can feel the anticipation mounting. The hairs on the back of my neck prick at every slight movement and cat yowl. Garbage left to the curb reeks but I endure it, knowing that when the moment is right it's the last place that sneak will see me coming from.
S. Dan outgrew his shoes around this neighborhood a long time ago. People have been relying on him because there's no one else around doing what he does. It's his hood, and he knows it. He's been leaving guys hungry and dolls begging for more. But he's been getting too high and mighty around here, and the weakness is starting to show. As an LPIoP, I, Socrates Smith, knew it was time to get the sauce on Sneaky D. and disseminate the evidence to the people.
The only way to take down a sly dog like Dan was to take out the bricks from the bottom of his own ivory tower, and send it into a topple like the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
But actually make it fall down, too.
He's always late like a trademark. It's his way of setting the scene, making sure you're desperate for what he's got by the time he's there. I'd been playing his game. Putting in the order and waiting. He puts on a good front to be sure, and he makes his tips flashing that quick smile. When he knows he has you though, watch how fast that grin sinks and he's hitting you up for your fix. The deals stop coming in, and he knows he has you hooked. That's when he gets sloppy, lazy. His boss is pulling the strings, but he's still making off like the upper crust of a middle man stretching out of place.
I heard the rumble of a V4 bouncing back from cul-de-sac and the unmistakable stutter of his ride. A beige Honda Accord kept a low profile, made it easy to slip in anywhere. Once I pounced, he would be going nowhere fast because the people would know the fault of what he was doing, would see through the thin veil complacency on the product had lured them into.
There's nothing in this for me. I am for the people, and for truth. Socrates Smith wants nothing more than the truth.
I swear my heart beat fast, my senses were piqued, and I could hear the banana peels rotting under my feet. The odor of coffee grounds and someone else's dog droppings were seeping into my skin, though I didn't even notice. Cellphone camera in hand, this was going to be the exposure that purified this neighborhood all over again.
Then something that didn't fit my calculations--a sudden turn. The common path was interrupted when Sneaky Dan and his rumbly ride made a sudden stop at the other end of the sac. The poor dame. I saw Snee-Dee leak out of his driver's side door and sidle up the step to deliver a box of medical malady to the lady across the street. I cringed, bit my lip and took in the overripe odor of lawn trimmings. I was helpless to stop the exchange, but I knew she was a victim of him too; like me, like us all. But when the S.D. trudged back to his whip, he was on the way over, floodlights illuminating the shadow of my trash can but my figure remained hidden among the shadows.
It was I, Socrates Smith, who had him in the headlights.
Sweat poured down my grimy complexion. How long had I been here anyway? I was feeling light headed but punched myself in the knees to refocus in the mission at hand and make the pins and prickles subside. Sneaky Dan strode right up, smug as ever, knowing he had what I wanted. I waited until the last minute, until I could smell his alluring scent, though I wouldn't submit--not this time. He was mine. I jumped when he was so close I could taste the cheese, flash going of as ten pictures took themselves and would bust him for the last time.
"Hey!"
"FUCK!"
"Sneaky Dan! Do you not consider the feelings of all beings? Do you not see how your actions slow the spinning of our very being? How you leave people either yet to be satisfied or wanting more, all so you can live your fetid existence amongst us as the demi-god of temptation. I have the proof now. You have done enough, and no more wrongs shall happen from this night on, leave this place!"
His fear was palpable as he screamed, "Why the fuck are you in garbage you crazy asshole!?"
"Because you keep bringing the pizzas late" I riposted, with a flourish of camera phone, snapping another quick series of penetrating shots, "and sometimes they're a little cold!"
"Fuck you! I don't give a shit, but the fuck if I'm coming back here you sack of shit! Fuck you in the garbage just to be an asshole, fuck! Get your own fucking pizza, you're insane."
With that, Sneaky Dan began a hurried move back to his vehicle, but I knew I had him. Where could he run? They said my order would arrive by 5:30pm. It was 5:44pm and I had time-stamped photos to prove it. I shot him one last time on the way out with a flash.
"And you haven't brought any good coupons in like three weeks!"
"Fuck. You!" He sped off into the night, but I knew when I brought this slip to the uppers at Cheesy Pete's he'd be busted down to topping boy. Truly, Sneaky Dan could not see the havoc had wrought upon humanity. I saw through the veil, pierced the heart of the beast, and brought the illumination in front of him. Of course those of sloth in darkness recoil from the light. But it was only I, Socrates Smith, who could show him and show us all the errors of selfish ways.
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