Socrates Smith and the Hood of the 'Hood

 Socrates Smith was a thinker and doer for the people, using his outstanding grasp of the world and all its concepts to expose the falseness of the evil people around us. He works tirelessly as a LPIofP, a Local Private Investigator of People, for the people, completely uncompensated with only his pride as payment. With his extreme intellect he outwits and stuns would-be bad guys, befuddling them with his brawny brain and righting the wrong for the benefit of all.

(Actually, Socrates Smith is an insane asshole who thinks he is too smart and takes "concerned citizen" to its extremes and everyone hates him and thinks he's ugly.)

Anyway, here's a day in the life of LPIofP, Socrates Smith.



    It wouldn't be long now.
    I had been awaiting Sneaky Dan for what seemed like days. Of course, my clocks always fast so I never know the time, but I can feel the anticipation mounting. The hairs on the back of my neck prick at every slight movement and cat yowl. Garbage left to the curb reeks but I endure it, knowing that when the moment is right it's the last place that sneak will see me coming from.
    S. Dan outgrew his shoes around this neighborhood a long time ago. People have been relying on him because there's no one else around doing what he does. It's his hood, and he knows it. He's been leaving guys hungry and dolls begging for more. But he's been getting too high and mighty around here, and the weakness is starting to show. As an LPIoP, I, Socrates Smith, knew it was time to get the sauce on Sneaky D. and disseminate the evidence to the people.
    The only way to take down a sly dog like Dan was to take out the bricks from the bottom of his own ivory tower, and send it into a topple like the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
    But actually make it fall down, too.
    He's always late like a trademark. It's his way of setting the scene, making sure you're desperate for what he's got by the time he's there. I'd been playing his game. Putting in the order and waiting. He puts on a good front to be sure, and he makes his tips flashing that quick smile. When he knows he has you though, watch how fast that grin sinks and he's hitting you up for your fix. The deals stop coming in, and he knows he has you hooked. That's when he gets sloppy, lazy. His boss is pulling the strings, but he's still making off like the upper crust of a middle man stretching out of place.
    I heard the rumble of a V4 bouncing back from cul-de-sac and the unmistakable stutter of his ride. A beige Honda Accord kept a low profile, made it easy to slip in anywhere. Once I pounced, he would be going nowhere fast because the people would know the fault of what he was doing, would see through the thin veil complacency on the product had lured them into.
    There's nothing in this for me. I am for the people, and for truth. Socrates Smith wants nothing more than the truth.
    I swear my heart beat fast, my senses were piqued, and I could hear the banana peels rotting under my feet. The odor of coffee grounds and someone else's dog droppings were seeping into my skin, though I didn't even notice. Cellphone camera in hand, this was going to be the exposure that purified this neighborhood all over again.
    Then something that didn't fit my calculations--a sudden turn. The common path was interrupted when Sneaky Dan and his rumbly ride made a sudden stop at the other end of the sac. The poor dame. I saw Snee-Dee leak out of his driver's side door and sidle up the step to deliver a box of medical malady to the lady across the street. I cringed, bit my lip and took in the overripe odor of lawn trimmings. I was helpless to stop the exchange, but I knew she was a victim of him too; like me, like us all. But when the S.D. trudged back to his whip, he was on the way over, floodlights illuminating the shadow of my trash can but my figure remained hidden among the shadows.
    It was I, Socrates Smith, who had him in the headlights.
    Sweat poured down my grimy complexion. How long had I been here anyway? I was feeling light headed but punched myself in the knees to refocus in the mission at hand and make the pins and prickles subside. Sneaky Dan strode right up, smug as ever, knowing he had what I wanted. I waited until the last minute, until I could smell his alluring scent, though I wouldn't submit--not this time. He was mine. I jumped when he was so close I could taste the cheese, flash going of as ten pictures took themselves and would bust him for the last time.
    "Hey!"
    "FUCK!"
    "Sneaky Dan! Do you not consider the feelings of all beings? Do you not see how your actions slow the spinning of our very being? How you leave people either yet to be satisfied or wanting more, all so you can live your fetid existence amongst us as the demi-god of temptation. I have the proof now. You have done enough, and no more wrongs shall happen from this night on, leave this place!"
    His fear was palpable as he screamed, "Why the fuck are you in garbage you crazy asshole!?"
    "Because you keep bringing the pizzas late" I riposted, with a flourish of camera phone, snapping another quick series of penetrating shots, "and sometimes they're a little cold!"
    "Fuck you! I don't give a shit, but the fuck if I'm coming back here you sack of shit! Fuck you in the garbage just to be an asshole, fuck! Get your own fucking pizza, you're insane."
    With that, Sneaky Dan began a hurried move back to his vehicle, but I knew I had him. Where could he run? They said my order would arrive by 5:30pm. It was 5:44pm and I had time-stamped photos to prove it. I shot him one last time on the way out with a flash.
    "And you haven't brought any good coupons in like three weeks!"
    "Fuck. You!" He sped off into the night, but I knew when I brought this slip to the uppers at Cheesy Pete's he'd be busted down to topping boy. Truly, Sneaky Dan could not see the havoc had wrought upon humanity. I saw through the veil, pierced the heart of the beast, and brought the illumination in front of him. Of course those of sloth in darkness recoil from the light. But it was only I, Socrates Smith, who could show him and show us all the errors of selfish ways.

100-sum Things That 20-sums Should Know

100-sum Things That 20-sums Should Know and Do

I find that these kinds of lists have presented themselves to me before, but they're either written by someone with an over affinity for personal hedonism, or someone who's too idealistic and specific about what each individual should be able to achieve.

This is a balanced list of things to pay attention to now, applicable to anyone. Some of it may seem painfully obvious, though it's often forgotten. Other items may seem uncommon but have value beyond what you know. If you're having troubles in life, outside of crippling debt, then it is probably because something on this list is being ignored. Please, read through and find what you need or need more of.

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1. If you think you should do it, do it now.

2. If you feel you shouldn't do it, end it now.

3. Eat more fruit, not just fruit flavors.

4. Love like it's a verb.

5. Listen to what others have to say. It's called "communication" and seems to be a dying art.

6. Don't stress. It is absolutely stunning how many people fret over issues of no real matter, then let the biggest problems in their lives continue without action.

7. Wherever you live, make it your home.

8. Make a difference, if only a small one. A good one, preferably.

9. Don't be the best, just try to be better.

10. Put down your phone. You must relearn to be yourself apart from accessories and attachments.

11. Even if you love music, pick somedays to leave the headphones at home. Music is like a mental current, let it sweep you away when you need it but don't lose yourself in the flow.

12. Walk. Often and for long distances. Preferably where there is a tree or two or a thousand.

13. Look at the lives of others to give a sense of scale and perception, not a judgment of comparison.

14. Find out how to be comfortable in your own skin, and in silence. Try being naked more often (you know, where comfortable to do so).

15. But seriously, shut off your damn phone. It is giving you a new form of ADD. Being in constant connection hasn't really made relationships/friendships stronger, just significantly more dependent.

16. Learning exceptional control of your hormones will always benefit you.

17. Pay extra attention to children. You will learn something from them you can't learn yourself.

18. Don't buy superfluous brand-based products.

19. Bring back a degree of chivalry to your life. Stand up for yourself and for others.

20. Exercise regularly. No matter how little the amount, it is better to consistently have a small routine than to go all out only sometimes.

21. Make sure to make it to another continent before you're 25. If you're already past the mark, get there this year. Have lots of good experiences and a few bad ones and learn from both. You won't look back.

22. Learning to dance will always be a good idea.

23. Learning an instrument will always be a good idea.

24. Learning another language will always be a good idea. Even if you were to never use it, that learning process trains your brain to think in new ways.

25. Find a way to create: paint, draw, sing, or become an awesome storyteller. No matter how queer, raunchy, or poorly crafted your creation may be, you're better for having it as an expression of yourself.

26. Common sense isn't as common as one may think. Create your own method of it and make it common to you. Be aware of your own actions from an external perspective.

27. Be weird. People remember you as someone more confident than others, stand out in those memories.

28. More than sex, learn to make love. And don't forget the most important word--reciprocation.

29. Treat strangers with kindness, not because of the golden rule, but because it's a decent thing to do for anyone.

30. As technology becomes a more necessary and invasive factor in life, always take the opportunity to do something in person if possible.

31. Move away from your hometown, if only for a while, then you'll know new growth. The farther you move, the harder it will be, and the stronger you'll become.

32. Listen to a lot of music, and by music I mean nothing that will make the Top40. Find the gems out there.

33. Stop smoking. If you don't smoke, don't start.

34. Getting high gets old. If you don't think so, then you are quickly running out of ideas for things to do, and you'll get old too.

35. Whip cream is not a food group, don't indulge it like it was one (that goes for any comfort food, and double for you, Nutella). Know what you put in your body.

36. Eat out only as often as you would cook for yourself, and do your best to avoid middling between the two with ramen-and-egg-mac-'n'-cheese three times a week.

37. Stop watching TV. Go forth and make your own adventure, without the drama.

38. Always value friendship, the true friendships, for they are few and shall be fewer still. Try as hard as you can not to pass on the opportunity to spend time with someone. A slight inconvenience for you can mean to world to someone else.

39. Money is a tool, use it well, but don't spend all your time worrying about how many tools are in your toolbox.

40. Be polite. Be courteous. Be more than formal. No one hates someone who is genuinely cordial.

41. Try not to see 4am very often without good reason.

42. Instead of looking for the meaning of life, make your own life meaningful. Actions over thoughts.

43. As hard as it may be, stop playing video games. Live in reality. If you can't stop, do more to regulate the time in other worlds and be inspired by the one you actually live in.

44. If you find this world uninspiring, study people of history, science, and spend more time outdoors. If that doesn't work, go back to your TV/video games and don't burden others with your nascent eternal boredom.

45. Smile.

46. Be there for others.

47. Drink micro-brews as much as is possible. Know your wines.

48. Climb mountains, figuratively and literally.

49. You may not need to meditate, but find the time, even if only for a few minutes a day, to silence the phone, part with the screen, turn the music off and sit down. Tea is acceptable, but nothing else. If you can't collect yourself for a few minutes a day without distraction, you're moving too fast but won't be going anywhere mindful.

50. Read.

51. Read more. All smart people read. Not all people who read are smart, but all people who are smart read.

52. Try to get to the beach, don't stray from the waves for too long, it gives you a sense of scope and depth.

53. Spend time appreciating animals (outside of captioned memes on the internet).

54. Learn to cook, it's not hard. You'll never regret making things delicious.

55. Practice something daily. You will always find ways to improve.

56. Experience real and open communication. It's surprisingly rater to find someone that no subject is off limits to, and when you do, stay connected.

57. Pay attention to news and politics. Even if it doesn't interest you, it's better to know the world outside your own and engage it.

58. Have a lot of pleasure in your life, without the sexual variety being scary or off-limits.. Don't let society, rules, and suggested taboos control you--otherwise that society will be the only thing screwing you. Loving yourself is equally important. After that, it's about trust.

59. The second cheapest wine is good enough.

60. One night stands are only to vent stress or prove a false sense of value, making lasting connections are always worth more, because rarely will fooling on the first night, with little resonance after, ever turn into something happy--and that will only be if you are selfish.

61. There is a difference between giving up, and knowing when to quit.

62. Drink often in smaller amounts, not periodically in over-consumption.

63. Being sad for more than 20 minutes at a time is a waste of time. Move forward.

64. Take vacations for as long as possible. Don't just stay somewhere, but inhabit that place.

65. Regretting regrets is just another regret.

66. Tipsy is a mystical state where ideas come more easily and conversation flows more freely; mad drunk is a waste of money, life, and liver.

67. Look at the sky more often. Dang, man, but those clouds though.

68. Continue to question like a child and you may never have to lose a sense of wonder.

69. Be kinky, as long as it is someone you trust and care for, who can communicate with you freely, it's only going to make things more interesting. Don't forget to laugh.

70. Please sing--it's not about being good, it's about having your own voice.

71. Don't be afraid of tears.

72. Use moderation in moderation.

73. Take risks. Gamble on good bets cautiously (though not in casinos).

74. Write. Write. Write. Write. Write.

75. Find a symbol; be it an animal, a character, or a precious item, give it a place in your life and make sure others know it.

76. Engage your nostalgia, and use it as a measure of how far you've come.

77. Be sure to vote. You don't get the right to bitch about anything happening above you if you don't exercise the one ability you have to change it.

78. Being absolutely immature at times is totally acceptable, so long as you don't forget how to get back to being conscious beyond it.

79. Happiness is not a goal in and of itself, it is the base that you need to launch into doing other things of real progressive product.

80. Do not lie. Ever. Even if you get away with it, you are not better for it.

81. Good dental hygiene will do more for you now than you know. It's time to floss.

82. Go out at night and look at the stars until you're bored of them, then keep looking until you're interested again.

83. Don't wait, ask now.

84. Stop trying to live life at room temperature. Feel the crush of failure and fuel the revelry of success.

85. Fantasy has its place. Visit often, but don't buy a time share there.

86. Be good to all of your organs.

87. Don't change the world. Be the big change on a smaller level, personally with others and in your communities.

88. Stop deceiving yourself because it's easier.

89. Think. Be constantly conscious of everything. E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.

90. Be unstoppably, uncomfortably curious.

91. You are already all that you need.

92. Find the ability to have a serious moment with twelve people, and a party with only two.

93. Dream. Then find the next step towards making that dream part of reality.

94. Respect nature.

95. A few deep breaths can go a long, long way.

96. Use your imagination, it is all that makes you different from trees.

97. Love each other fiercely.

98. Read this list one more time, knowing it's a lot at once, and pick a few things from it to focus on most.

99. Repeat steps 1-99.

100. Grow up, grow wise, grow strong, without growing complacent.

101. Always be you.

Breakfast

Who wants eggs~

I Will Fly You To The Heaven

    Spending the day soaking in the rays--not that there is another way to experience the weather here now--two lovers were sitting atop the plane's left wing. It was a relic of a long-off time mostly forgotten, as only the remnants of an old world give any truth to the tale, and this scrapped empty hull of a flying fortress was from an age before the Great Waste.
    A boy takes off his right catskin sock and throws it at a girl. It just seems like the thing  to do; hoping to provoke a fight to kill off the latent boredom that piled up late in the day.
    And who's going to tell you not to, the shambling ones don't talk and the living don't waste their time on punk-kids who may not live to see their next bowel movement.
    The sock finds its way back to the boy, wadded into a ball and striking his ear. This is the sign of a challenge accepted. Swords drawn, meaning nails bared, the tangle begins, the pulling of hair and the grabbing of limbs and the biting of skin.
    To anyone passing by, this roughhousing would look no different than the struggle for life against death. Not that life nor death got noticed much now.
    No less than twenty strands of hair are ripped from the scalp of the girl who takes a significant amount of skin off the back of the middle finger of a boy using his knee to shove the girl shooting for his waist who succeeds in grabbing a scrap of cloth and pulling the boy towards her as his flailing of hands signals a panic of possibly losing this one, clawing at her face and opening scars on her cheeks not yet healed, though done in futility when the girl butts the head that has twenty less hairs into the boy's groin, causing a moan and knocking him over to end the fight, but not before the girl's foot finds the soft spot between the boys legs a few more times as vengeance for starting the squabble in the first place.
    But this sort of thing is normal now. They'll probably be right back to breeding after the pain wears off the boy's parts.
    Before he can get back up, she slams him into the crushed, crashed seat of the cockpit of the plane that, unknown to them, dropped the bomb that ignited the war that ended the world.
    "I will fly you to the heaven!" she bellowed, with a final blow to the trouser snake, doubling the boy over in the seat where once a pilot lit the fuse that would consume it all, meaning she won for today.
    Who knows what will happen tomorrow.

There is a Lion at the School! Let's Beat it with Maths.

    And it was about that time that the lion hopped the school gate and walked onto the main ground. As if the soccer field were the Savannah, the king of beasts out of place strutted casually about the thick chalk lines like this was already his territory. Then again, should he decide that to be the case, who was going to say he was wrong?
    It was my second day on the job as the assistant math teachers at Dalerose Elementary School.
    The students reacted like child actors out of a B-movie. They acted exactly as you expected, their surprise was no surprise. Lining the window, some recoiled while others marveled, eyes growing bigger the longer they stared. A couple turned to their best friends and asked "What should we do?" as if the other seven-year-old had taken emergency lion attack classes at the local community center. A couple of girls started crying just a little from the shock. A few boys continued staring in awe even as the reality set in, muttering "cool" under their breath.
    What snapped everyone out of wherever in their mind that lion's appearance took them was when it started approaching the school entrance. I guess it really always had been plotting a lazy course, but it took a number of slow motion seconds before it was obvious that the door of the school was open and that's seemed to be the lion's destination, as if on a premeditated mission or just after scraps of school lunch from the cafeteria next door.
    My brain swirled with practicality, my years of experience as a consulting actuary boiling everything down to practical action for effective results, though how best to handle a lion entering an elementary didn't have a matrix of possibilities in place. Strangely enough, having no ideas in the moment, I apprehensively looked to the kids.
    I moved over and squatted down between the group of huddled girls who worked themselves back into a corner while the boys still stood in file along the edge of the window.
    "Okay. Okay. Okay. Class. We have a problem--"
    "THAT'S A LION! A LION! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!"
    "Listen. Listen to me, we shouldn't--we mustn't allow ourselves to overreact."
    "A LION A LION (wait until my Mom hears about this) that's a LION out there! TEACHER! TEACHER! TEACHER!"
    "Alright, settle down now settle down."
    "WHY!?"
    "Because… that's what you do when you see a lion. You just settle down."
    "IS THAT THE BEST THING TO DO BEFORE HE EATS YOUR FACE!?"
    "No, not really, but now let's remember what we learned in maths."
    "Teacher, I don't see how multiplication will help us here."
    "No, no (and we haven't studied that yet) I'm talking about probability."
    "Proba-what?"
    "Now, something unknown and impossible is occurring. This can't happen. Logically, the only appropriate response is one of equal impossibility." He couldn't believe it, he was actually convincing himself. And he couldn't believe the kids were buying it.
    "Okay, we'll beat the lion with math, YEAH!"
    "AH YES, beat lions with MATH."
    The teacher was sweating, yet managed to stay cool. "That's right, we'll beat it with math. So, the first illogical thing to do… is settle down."
    "MATH OR NO MATH, THAT LION WILL STILL EAT FACES, TEACHER."
    "Yes, indeed. So, for the next thing I'm… I'm going to go and punch that lion in the face."
    "WHAAAT-T-T!?"
    "Yes, it is the only way."
    With that, I strode out. Walked out the school and into the yard where the lion was prowling closer to the school.
    Steadying my nerve, looking at the fierce visage staring back, a "who the hell do you think you are" swagger reflecting my nervous tension in beastly eyes, it was a moment of truth…
    I walked right up to the lion and punched square in the nose. A right hook with force, thrown haymaker style that sent the animal reeling backwards, as it let out a terrible scream. Even though I had only been at the school a couple days, I could already recognize the loud squeal of some of the girls in class, though I hadn't got their names yet. Even in this moment, strange how the thought that came into my brain was "and now they'll never forget my name."
    The lion cowered back, and made a motion like it was going to leap, but stayed its place, roared, then began to saunter away with the same casual gait it had approached the school with minutes ago, as if nothing had happened out of the ordinary.
    I yelled a few taunts after it, which brought growls. Things like, "This is a no lion zone," and "school is no place for you, lion, you can't even read," and "that's right! Ha!"
    The student crowded around the hall outside of class as I walked back in, giddy as can be though still in disbelief. I mean, come on, that was a freaking lion, king of the jungle and eater of faces. A lion that just had its face punched by a maths teacher.
    Some boys were still glued to the window to witness the beast meander out the way it come. The girls were feverish, screaming "How did you do it? How did you beat a lion in a fight?"
    I had been prepared for this moment, in the case I should return unharmed, still only barely believing what happened myself. "I beat it… with mathematics!"
    I could have said anything, but the rallying cry of mathematics went around the class. From that day on, all the students had a new favorite subject and favorite teacher at the school.
    Half an hour, after the commotion subsided some and I went to change my shirt due to profuse sweating, I stopped by the principal's office. Mr. Malcolm was still changing out of the lion suit. Who knew taxidermy could be such a useful hobby.