Some Things Janitors Told Me in College

Many late nights hiding out in various academic buildings means the occasional parley with the custodial staff. Inexplicable, and without context, these are the wisest words from years of janitorial experience:

"I once told a dude about this one dude, and that dude took my money. No questions."

"If I had a nickel for every dime I heard, there'd be money coming out my ears, 'cause that's what I'd be hearing, it would be money."

"Can I look at that? *Hands a pen* I remember these. Way back when. Ain't you got robots in your fingers yet?"

"What I can teach you is all that I know."

"One time I saw these kids, and they were chasing some other kids with foamy swords, and this is a college. Is that what they teach you? What the hell happened to chess?"

"Please don't throw things at my face or any other part of my body."

" 'The only thing to fear is fear itself.' I think a guy said that once."

"For the price costs to keep a wife, I could have bought a bottle of Jack Daniels every week. Then all my headaches would make sense."

"Where's that one thing?"

"What're you supposed to look like?"

"Can you tell I'm wearing make-up?"

"Think about your Dad."

"I went to school. Now I'm picking up your banana peels. Scary, huh?"

"The lunar landing? Nope. I know the guy who put those rocks there."

"Why did you do that?"

"You're not one of those 'stoners' are you? All I ever hear is about your 'grass,' whaddya do, eat it. The only grass I care about is the kind that's on the ground."

"I never had a horse growing up."

"I ain't doing this for love or money. I just doing this. What are you doing?"

"Make love, not war. But don't make trash either."

"My brother, he works in Congress. They throw away the nicest things, and he sells them on eBay."

"Roy, Lewis, Mavin, Lenny, Howard, Brucey, Doctor Mingles..."
'Who are they?'
"Oh, the 'coons on campus. You can tell 'em by the tails."

"Smoking is like nature's way of making people to shut up sometimes."

"My mother never let me near a stove. I wish she had."

"I haven't had a movement since yesterday."

"Fortnight is a cool word. I never use it, so the only time I use it is when I tell people how cool it is."

"Are you going to finish that?"

"In the can!"

"I think you could fit in this thing."

"Make me proud."