THOUGHTS about THINKING
I'm starting to worry I'm going to lose my mind.
No, not in the going crazy kind of way.
Actually, far from it, I'm worried I'm going to be too sane.
Now, it could very much be influenced by my surroundings, situation, and being in Japan.
But it seems like no one around me talks about anything.
And I hold out hope that maybe, just maybe, they're thinking of things, but I'm worried.
When I was in a cubicle in America, it was not much different.
Talk is over the new artisan cake shop, something a famous person they never met said, gross general statements about people and casually categorizing words (their 'beliefs'), and whatever hijinks their cat got into last night.
Or they just talk about work.
Or no one talks at all.
And again, maybe in their personal world of thoughts there is something more bumping around. Co-workers are, on a whole, only one step above acquaintance. But even among friends the conversation usually stays around people and events, and rarely strays to ideas or thoughts.
Though most seem closed off anyway, already knowing how they think about something, decided in what they like, making them either extremely present, way back in the past, or far off in an unknown future.
.
.
I have lunch with a group of teachers everyday.
So on one afternoon while they were talking about the latest album release from one of the most over-produced supergroups, I was trying to work out in my head the rates of domestic agriculture production in Japan versus the agriculture industry of exports in China, making best estimates from what I know of either economy, factoring in shipping, then attempting to decide how high import tariffs would need to be to keep markets level in competition.
The next day, they were talking about course prices of a restaurant they wanted to go to, and if 7000yen was worth the amount of food they would get, going back and forth over who drinks how much and whose diet wouldn't make it worth the bill, but how good the food was. I was busy being quiet, trying to determine the extent of the effect that love can motivate actions, with the variables of how much "love" is present and how susceptible a person can be to love. How much love would one who is cold and solitary need to have to willingly leave their job to be with that other person? Inversely, how much would someone with a predisposition towards being in love need to feel to do the same?
The next next day, they were talking about the changes in the schedule for the day, and I was trying to think of every fish I could name.
To be clear, I'm not trying to find some greater answer--'love' is not a quantifiable thing, but if it was, how would you count it? I'm just using my observations and understandings to think of things. Thinking is a hobby. Right now, I'm thinking of how uncommon that hobby seems to become as life settles around you with age, and some of these people aren't even 30.
I usually don't have a lot to contribute, but I'm still listening and understanding the whole time (even in a second language) and make comments where I can. When they run out of things to say, sometimes one of the teachers will ask me what I've been doing, and I tell them about my recent attempts to submit short fiction to sci-fi anthologies, or a escapade into Tokyo to see a rock group no one at the table has ever heard of. Their reaction is always followed with astonishment. I entertain the thought they could be flattering me, but the surprise comes across as pretty genuine, followed by "wakai ne!" (you're still a young dude!).
Other times, I tell them "not much" or "sleeping" because I know they're only asking out of boredom and will switch topics as soon as another thought in the group comes up.
There have been a few times they've even asked what I'm thinking. That gets a really surprised reaction, when I say something like "I'm thinking about whether lakes form differently by their altitude being above or below sea level". (If you speak Japanese, have some vocab! sea level: 'kaimen', above sea level: 'kaibatsu', below sea level: 'kaimenka', and good luck finding a place to use it, laughing out loud)
Am I just more honest and forthcoming with what I'm saying? Could be. I know there is a group dynamic here--that people in a group want to talk about safe, surface subjects that anyone can go along with (though those can often be reverse-alienating if you are not interested in the bland waters of the mainstream) and I know what I think of seems further out there, but the chances to talk with only 1 or 2 other people grow fewer as folks just get too busy, and groups become the main. I'm worried. I'm not saying these people don't think; they are active, adaptive, strong-willed teachers who work with teenagers every day, and if anything are more youthful for it. I worked a number of different jobs when I was back in the States with all kinds of folks, and don't find country of origin to make much difference with personal interactions. I'm aware that Japan is more secluded, sharing less than other societies, but these people are friends who work together, going out drinking with each other, and act and speak like any other groups I've been in.
.
.
I'LL PULL THIS ALL BACK TO SUMMARY: all in all, it's not them I'm worried about--it's me.
I'm worried I'll stop thinking.
I like the part of me that still questions, wonders, asks why and then tries to form answers. It's given me powers of judgment and compassion as a result, an overall wisdom I pride myself on. As years go on, however, the sort of wide-eyed conversation and consideration for life, how to live it, and all things in it continues to decrease in frequency and length. No one wants to talk much, unless it's a heated political issue that calls some preset value they have into question. No one wants to examine things for the sake of seeing what more there is too them, or think of the abstract for the sake of thinking. The trend is more towards whatever is right in front of them making them busy, or whatever will make them feel relaxed to do after. And I'm worried the more I'm continuing with people around in this universal trend, the more I'll keep slipping in with it. Will I be the guy to point out the new artisan cake shop? Will I buy a TV just to see what everyone else is talking about? The age of social media and anything "viral" throws so much in front of us, but is more thinking the result, or just more passive reception to be counted like items on a list later.
"Did you see _____?"
"Yes, I did."
"Okay."
Even if there is a 'what did you think' to follow, it usually doesn't go on for more than a sentence of two, because the other side is not really asking to engage the idea, more often than not it's just to see if you share the same perspective, so then you get that little spark of connection-communication, and you can move on with the day.
I want to continue living an observed life, where everything can be turned into a chance to think, reason, and understand. It's that form of brain-tinkering that brought me into the person I am now, that's pushed me to live a more challenging life, and do things no one else has done, for the experience and to see what comes next. I want to keep thinking, thinking as an active mode of operation, not just an occasional necessity. And I'm wondering how I'm going to do that when a lot of the dialog around me doesn't come out as conducive and lulls me into slogging along in the daily grind, where a day can go by without a thought.
I've recently returned to trying to memorize song lyrics just to give my mental-bits something to do. I've been writing more, revising too, and am trying to internalize the thinking process to make it less dependent on outside factors, though those have always been the ones I've enjoyed, trying to gain another perspective and hear things said in a different way.
I'm assuming only about 3 and a half people have the attention span / care enough to have read this far, but I wonder if there are others out there who feel the same? Wanna be thought-based pen-pals? I don't want to misplace the communication connection of thinking, as another good-brain perspective always opens up as much new territory as a new dimension.
Where I am, job-wise and by way of country, is temporary. Within about a year I'll be looking for a new place to start a new chapter of life, and that will come with all kinds of exciting challenges and frustrating struggles, though there's no way I can know what they'll be. And I think the best thing I can do to prepare for them is to keep thinking, keep my mind sharp, and not let myself go too sane. After all, I don't want to lose my mind.
But it seems like no one around me talks about anything.
And I hold out hope that maybe, just maybe, they're thinking of things, but I'm worried.
When I was in a cubicle in America, it was not much different.
Talk is over the new artisan cake shop, something a famous person they never met said, gross general statements about people and casually categorizing words (their 'beliefs'), and whatever hijinks their cat got into last night.
Or they just talk about work.
Or no one talks at all.
And again, maybe in their personal world of thoughts there is something more bumping around. Co-workers are, on a whole, only one step above acquaintance. But even among friends the conversation usually stays around people and events, and rarely strays to ideas or thoughts.
Though most seem closed off anyway, already knowing how they think about something, decided in what they like, making them either extremely present, way back in the past, or far off in an unknown future.
.
.
I have lunch with a group of teachers everyday.
So on one afternoon while they were talking about the latest album release from one of the most over-produced supergroups, I was trying to work out in my head the rates of domestic agriculture production in Japan versus the agriculture industry of exports in China, making best estimates from what I know of either economy, factoring in shipping, then attempting to decide how high import tariffs would need to be to keep markets level in competition.
The next day, they were talking about course prices of a restaurant they wanted to go to, and if 7000yen was worth the amount of food they would get, going back and forth over who drinks how much and whose diet wouldn't make it worth the bill, but how good the food was. I was busy being quiet, trying to determine the extent of the effect that love can motivate actions, with the variables of how much "love" is present and how susceptible a person can be to love. How much love would one who is cold and solitary need to have to willingly leave their job to be with that other person? Inversely, how much would someone with a predisposition towards being in love need to feel to do the same?
The next next day, they were talking about the changes in the schedule for the day, and I was trying to think of every fish I could name.
To be clear, I'm not trying to find some greater answer--'love' is not a quantifiable thing, but if it was, how would you count it? I'm just using my observations and understandings to think of things. Thinking is a hobby. Right now, I'm thinking of how uncommon that hobby seems to become as life settles around you with age, and some of these people aren't even 30.
I usually don't have a lot to contribute, but I'm still listening and understanding the whole time (even in a second language) and make comments where I can. When they run out of things to say, sometimes one of the teachers will ask me what I've been doing, and I tell them about my recent attempts to submit short fiction to sci-fi anthologies, or a escapade into Tokyo to see a rock group no one at the table has ever heard of. Their reaction is always followed with astonishment. I entertain the thought they could be flattering me, but the surprise comes across as pretty genuine, followed by "wakai ne!" (you're still a young dude!).
Other times, I tell them "not much" or "sleeping" because I know they're only asking out of boredom and will switch topics as soon as another thought in the group comes up.
There have been a few times they've even asked what I'm thinking. That gets a really surprised reaction, when I say something like "I'm thinking about whether lakes form differently by their altitude being above or below sea level". (If you speak Japanese, have some vocab! sea level: 'kaimen', above sea level: 'kaibatsu', below sea level: 'kaimenka', and good luck finding a place to use it, laughing out loud)
Am I just more honest and forthcoming with what I'm saying? Could be. I know there is a group dynamic here--that people in a group want to talk about safe, surface subjects that anyone can go along with (though those can often be reverse-alienating if you are not interested in the bland waters of the mainstream) and I know what I think of seems further out there, but the chances to talk with only 1 or 2 other people grow fewer as folks just get too busy, and groups become the main. I'm worried. I'm not saying these people don't think; they are active, adaptive, strong-willed teachers who work with teenagers every day, and if anything are more youthful for it. I worked a number of different jobs when I was back in the States with all kinds of folks, and don't find country of origin to make much difference with personal interactions. I'm aware that Japan is more secluded, sharing less than other societies, but these people are friends who work together, going out drinking with each other, and act and speak like any other groups I've been in.
.
.
I'LL PULL THIS ALL BACK TO SUMMARY: all in all, it's not them I'm worried about--it's me.
I'm worried I'll stop thinking.
I like the part of me that still questions, wonders, asks why and then tries to form answers. It's given me powers of judgment and compassion as a result, an overall wisdom I pride myself on. As years go on, however, the sort of wide-eyed conversation and consideration for life, how to live it, and all things in it continues to decrease in frequency and length. No one wants to talk much, unless it's a heated political issue that calls some preset value they have into question. No one wants to examine things for the sake of seeing what more there is too them, or think of the abstract for the sake of thinking. The trend is more towards whatever is right in front of them making them busy, or whatever will make them feel relaxed to do after. And I'm worried the more I'm continuing with people around in this universal trend, the more I'll keep slipping in with it. Will I be the guy to point out the new artisan cake shop? Will I buy a TV just to see what everyone else is talking about? The age of social media and anything "viral" throws so much in front of us, but is more thinking the result, or just more passive reception to be counted like items on a list later.
"Did you see _____?"
"Yes, I did."
"Okay."
Even if there is a 'what did you think' to follow, it usually doesn't go on for more than a sentence of two, because the other side is not really asking to engage the idea, more often than not it's just to see if you share the same perspective, so then you get that little spark of connection-communication, and you can move on with the day.
I want to continue living an observed life, where everything can be turned into a chance to think, reason, and understand. It's that form of brain-tinkering that brought me into the person I am now, that's pushed me to live a more challenging life, and do things no one else has done, for the experience and to see what comes next. I want to keep thinking, thinking as an active mode of operation, not just an occasional necessity. And I'm wondering how I'm going to do that when a lot of the dialog around me doesn't come out as conducive and lulls me into slogging along in the daily grind, where a day can go by without a thought.
I've recently returned to trying to memorize song lyrics just to give my mental-bits something to do. I've been writing more, revising too, and am trying to internalize the thinking process to make it less dependent on outside factors, though those have always been the ones I've enjoyed, trying to gain another perspective and hear things said in a different way.
I'm assuming only about 3 and a half people have the attention span / care enough to have read this far, but I wonder if there are others out there who feel the same? Wanna be thought-based pen-pals? I don't want to misplace the communication connection of thinking, as another good-brain perspective always opens up as much new territory as a new dimension.
Where I am, job-wise and by way of country, is temporary. Within about a year I'll be looking for a new place to start a new chapter of life, and that will come with all kinds of exciting challenges and frustrating struggles, though there's no way I can know what they'll be. And I think the best thing I can do to prepare for them is to keep thinking, keep my mind sharp, and not let myself go too sane. After all, I don't want to lose my mind.
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