THOUGHTS about THINKING
I'm starting to worry I'm going to lose my mind.
No, not in the going crazy kind of way.
Actually, far from it, I'm worried I'm going to be too sane.
Now, it could very much be influenced by my surroundings, situation, and being in Japan.
But it seems like no one around me talks about anything.
And I hold out hope that maybe, just maybe, they're thinking of things, but I'm worried.
When I was in a cubicle in America, it was not much different.
Talk is over the new artisan cake shop, something a famous person they
never met said, gross general statements about people and casually
categorizing words (their 'beliefs'), and whatever hijinks their cat got
into last night.
Or they just talk about work.
Or no one talks at all.
And again, maybe in their personal world of thoughts there is something
more bumping around. Co-workers are, on a whole, only one step above
acquaintance. But even among friends the conversation usually stays
around people and events, and rarely strays to ideas or thoughts.
Though most seem closed off anyway, already knowing how they think about
something, decided in what they like, making them either extremely
present, way back in the past, or far off in an unknown future.
.
.
I have lunch with a group of teachers everyday.
So on one afternoon while they were talking about the latest album
release from one of the most over-produced supergroups, I was trying to
work out in my head the rates of domestic agriculture production in
Japan versus the agriculture industry of exports in China, making best
estimates from what I know of either economy, factoring in shipping,
then attempting to decide how high import tariffs would need to be to
keep markets level in competition.
The next day, they were
talking about course prices of a restaurant they wanted to go to, and if
7000yen was worth the amount of food they would get, going back and
forth over who drinks how much and whose diet wouldn't make it worth the
bill, but how good the food was. I was busy being quiet, trying to
determine the extent of the effect that love can motivate actions, with
the variables of how much "love" is present and how susceptible a person
can be to love. How much love would one who is cold and solitary need
to have to willingly leave their job to be with that other person?
Inversely, how much would someone with a predisposition towards being in
love need to feel to do the same?
The next next day, they were
talking about the changes in the schedule for the day, and I was trying
to think of every fish I could name.
To be clear, I'm not trying
to find some greater answer--'love' is not a quantifiable thing, but if
it was, how would you count it? I'm just using my observations and
understandings to think of things. Thinking is a hobby. Right now, I'm
thinking of how uncommon that hobby seems to become as life settles
around you with age, and some of these people aren't even 30.
I
usually don't have a lot to contribute, but I'm still listening and
understanding the whole time (even in a second language) and make
comments where I can. When they run out of things to say, sometimes one
of the teachers will ask me what I've been doing, and I tell them about
my recent attempts to submit short fiction to sci-fi anthologies, or a
escapade into Tokyo to see a rock group no one at the table has ever
heard of. Their reaction is always followed with astonishment. I
entertain the thought they could be flattering me, but the surprise
comes across as pretty genuine, followed by "wakai ne!" (you're still a
young dude!).
Other times, I tell them "not much" or "sleeping"
because I know they're only asking out of boredom and will switch topics
as soon as another thought in the group comes up.
There have been a
few times they've even asked what I'm thinking. That gets a really
surprised reaction, when I say something like "I'm thinking about
whether lakes form differently by their altitude being above or below
sea level". (If you speak Japanese, have some vocab! sea level:
'kaimen', above sea level: 'kaibatsu', below sea level: 'kaimenka', and
good luck finding a place to use it, laughing out loud)
Am I just
more honest and forthcoming with what I'm saying? Could be. I know
there is a group dynamic here--that people in a group want to talk about
safe, surface subjects that anyone can go along with (though those can
often be reverse-alienating if you are not interested in the bland
waters of the mainstream) and I know what I think of seems further out
there, but the chances to talk with only 1 or 2 other people grow fewer
as folks just get too busy, and groups become the main. I'm worried. I'm
not saying these people don't think; they are active, adaptive,
strong-willed teachers who work with teenagers every day, and if
anything are more youthful for it. I worked a number of different jobs
when I was back in the States with all kinds of folks, and don't find
country of origin to make much difference with personal interactions.
I'm aware that Japan is more secluded, sharing less than other
societies, but these people are friends who work together, going out
drinking with each other, and act and speak like any other groups I've
been in.
.
.
I'LL PULL THIS ALL BACK TO SUMMARY: all in all, it's not them I'm worried about--it's me.
I'm worried I'll stop thinking.
I like the part of me that still questions, wonders, asks why and then
tries to form answers. It's given me powers of judgment and compassion
as a result, an overall wisdom I pride myself on. As years go on,
however, the sort of wide-eyed conversation and consideration for life,
how to live it, and all things in it continues to decrease in frequency
and length. No one wants to talk much, unless it's a heated political
issue that calls some preset value they have into question. No one wants
to examine things for the sake of seeing what more there is too them,
or think of the abstract for the sake of thinking. The trend is more
towards whatever is right in front of them making them busy, or whatever
will make them feel relaxed to do after. And I'm worried the more I'm
continuing with people around in this universal trend, the more I'll
keep slipping in with it. Will I be the guy to point out the new artisan
cake shop? Will I buy a TV just to see what everyone else is talking
about? The age of social media and anything "viral" throws so much in
front of us, but is more thinking the result, or just more passive
reception to be counted like items on a list later.
"Did you see _____?"
"Yes, I did."
"Okay."
Even if there is a 'what did you think' to follow, it usually doesn't
go on for more than a sentence of two, because the other side is not
really asking to engage the idea, more often than not it's just to see
if you share the same perspective, so then you get that little spark of
connection-communication, and you can move on with the day.
I
want to continue living an observed life, where everything can be turned
into a chance to think, reason, and understand. It's that form of
brain-tinkering that brought me into the person I am now, that's pushed
me to live a more challenging life, and do things no one else has done,
for the experience and to see what comes next. I want to keep thinking,
thinking as an active mode of operation, not just an occasional
necessity. And I'm wondering how I'm going to do that when a lot of the
dialog around me doesn't come out as conducive and lulls me into
slogging along in the daily grind, where a day can go by without a
thought.
I've recently returned to trying to memorize song lyrics
just to give my mental-bits something to do. I've been writing more,
revising too, and am trying to internalize the thinking process to make
it less dependent on outside factors, though those have always been the
ones I've enjoyed, trying to gain another perspective and hear things
said in a different way.
I'm assuming only about 3 and a half
people have the attention span / care enough to have read this far, but I
wonder if there are others out there who feel the same? Wanna be
thought-based pen-pals? I don't want to misplace the communication
connection of thinking, as another good-brain perspective always opens
up as much new territory as a new dimension.
Where I am, job-wise
and by way of country, is temporary. Within about a year I'll be
looking for a new place to start a new chapter of life, and that will
come with all kinds of exciting challenges and frustrating struggles,
though there's no way I can know what they'll be. And I think the best
thing I can do to prepare for them is to keep thinking, keep my mind
sharp, and not let myself go too sane. After all, I don't want to lose
my mind.
