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Here you will find a record of all things fiction and the thoughts generated through clear lenses. All posts older than 12/16/2013 are works of thirst-quenching fiction you should explore freely, while everything onwards becomes what has struck the bell in my brain and turned into words. Enjoy!

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Flash Fiction: Belfry, 2090

BELFRY, 2090
by Brent Danley Jones

 BRIDGES & BELFRIES
by Brent Danley Jones

        "It was a roll of the dice from the start, wasn't it?" said Erina, exasperated and sucking in the cold air that stings your lungs when it’s from so high in the sky. Her black body suit kept her core temperature regulated, though at times she liked to feel the brisk chill again.
        "Observant as ever," Leif commented calmly as he coiled rope. His huge hands made it look like thread. “You knew it from the start. Pay that good comes with a catch. But now this is taking way too long, and I’m getting a twinge fearful we’re in over our heads here. The bridges may shift before we get this oxy-tech prototype back down.” He took the length of silk hemp and stored in back in the many folds of his green and brown robes hiding metallic storage bins beneath.
        " ’Fraid’a heights?”
        “Shut your pretty mouth,” Leif snapped back in a low voice.
        “So, that’s a ‘yes’.” Erina figured out by now he wasn’t the kind of merc that relieved stress by having a laugh. What a bore. "I know, suck at gambling, but I'm a sucker for taking chances. Besides, worst that happens is they catch us, ban our gen-sequence, and erase our existence from the Sphere. No biggie," she said wearing a relentless grin.
        She disappeared below the bridge, slashed a bundled wirepack hidden beneath the walkway connecting the next belfry, and rolled back on the stone.
        Ducking in the doorway, Leif praised her in his head but not out loud; such deft, seamless movement was a deadly effective feature for a merc, though she still had a lot of punch in her as well. Leif could tell Erina was much more serious about the job than her exterior would lead on. He felt an itch crawl up the old rash on his back. The plan he had in mind might be more of a gamble than lifting the prototype proved to be.
        After a brief pause, they peered out and watched the glow from another storm sentinel fade. The bluish tint in its crafted eye sockets grew grey and hollow as it slumped, still standing upright.
        "And who even uses electric-based guard sentinels anymore? It’s outdated. And tacky,” Erina teased the dead rock sentry. The duo huddled low and made their way across. She could taste the precipitation in the clouds. Erina clawed open the back of the sentinel, carefully cutting out scrap and pocketing it for resale. Leif checked the dynamic prints. Still another 200 gridblocks to go. Problem was, structures in the Netherlands developed a tendency for changing shape on you. Organic architecture was received like the rapture among the builders, but made breaking and entering even harder than before.
        Leif looked out from the terrace, scanning for the next tower in the spider web maze of belfries and bridges. He focused on each peak, using the GUI in his eyes in attempt to discern which had the televator they needed to descend. “No clear sign, little lady. Gonna have to keep navigating and hope the bridges don’t shift.” He signaled the all clear, and the two crouched, staying low, striding across quietly so as not to be detected from below. He sighed when his eagle eyes picked up the signature of another storm sentinel along the next causeway.
        He sighed, indicating his exhaustion outstripped his worry. "It just makes a mess, it does. Has to be the twelfth one we're gonna knock out. Wires. I guess no matter how secure the location, not everyone can afford the lodestones for power. Even more so when they don't know what they really have."
        "Maybe we're in the wrong business, and we should be harvesting the sparker gadgets of these lugs. Sell 'em back to whoever still makes them." Erina executed what was now a practiced routine of hooking off the bridge with her claws and slashing a wired core beneath.
        Safely through the doorway of the belfry, Leif guessed there would be another six towers before arriving at the center spire, lost in the web of bridges suspended by towering peaks in the sky. Leif kept one eye on the schematics and another looking for any avi-bots making overhead scans and a third inner eye on Erina. She seemed to be enjoying herself, taking micro-pics of the stonework and the masonry as they ascended endless stairs. Nevermind that chance of getting erased being one capture away.
        "Oh, Leify, look'it that one! It looks like a star made out of butts."
        "Quit'cher ass-hattery and keep your head in the game. We have to find which tower will lead us closer to the Outgrounds before Stillion's other mechanical minions hone in on our locale," Leif said in between light wheezes from non-stop movement. "I still I can't see why we've gotten this far without better resistance."
        "You may be underestimating what we can do now that we've... enhanced ourselves a bit."
        "Yeah, but I ain’t takin’ no chances. I’m not like you.”    "Whatever you say, big boy! Ooh, look at that! Stained glass griffons, almost as good as the original even when replicated." It was quiet enough to hear the faint click of the micro-pic cam as Erina stored the images. “I can’t believe the one that made this structure and got all those scholarly prizes was also the same asshole trying to steal the air from the sky.”
        “Doesn’t matter, someone else will pay us more to steal his shit than he would to protect it. I don’t really care what they do with this oxy-whatever tech,” Leif patted his side pocket, even though he knew the prototype wasn’t in there. Erina had a fair share of new tech on her, and in her. He had since discerned lie detection wasn’t one of the new additions.
        "Right, you know, sometimes I still wonder if we’re the good guys or the basen--" BOOM. A thud through the wall knocked the whole of the belfry two inches to the left, and a bloodbank automaton came in from the open air. A wall crawler left unchecked.
        "I knew this couldn't go well forever," Erina lost the playful charm in her voice, sounding as old as Leif looked now.
        "Hm. Deal with it. You don’t have any blood in you now. It can’t do anything but pierce your skin and suck out gel.”
        "Ha, guess you're right," she said, then jumped claws bared into the path of the advancing bot, aiming for legs. "Now, get ready to knock out the integrity board’s connection to the powercell, that should shut him up, and we can strip it after. We really should’ve go into the scrap business!"
        She scratched one leg to open the machine at a weaker point, metal nails shredding the gears of the bloodbank sentry, the sound echoing off the towers with a sharp pitch, but not before a stony limb hit its mark right in her side, leaving dozens of tiny needle cones piercing her armor and digging into her flesh, sending her sprawling against the opposite wall of the belfry.
        "Crap, ahh… guh. This not having blood thing means this won't hurt as bad, huh Leif?" She felt a bit faint, curious, since it could draw out the gel in her skin, though that shouldn’t affect her.
          She turned to check if Leif was ready to move up and get inside the stone brute now that his gearing was exposed. All she saw behind her was the end of a silk rope dangling from an archway, blowing in the breeze.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

The Funniest Jokes



Knee-slappers? More like face-slappers.
Please enjoy the immense pain derived from the tragedy of these amazing jokes.
These were gathered into an anthology of groaning from the darkest corners of the internet. Haha jokes , funny jokes , oh man , someone please throw cold water on me.




What does an angry jalapeno do?
Gets jalapeno face!


What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!


Why does the little mermaid wear seashells?
Because A shells and B shells were too small!


What did the sea cucumber say to the mollusk?

With fronds like this who needs anemones?


What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh!

What do you call a dictionary of drugs?Addictionary.



How do you know Indians were the first people in America?
Because they have reservations!


Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure?
Because he was a little shellfish!


What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything!


What does a vegan zombie eat?
 Graaaaaaainss!


Where did George Washington keep his armies?
In his sleevies!


What was Beethoven's favorite fruit?
BA-NA-NAAAAAA


What is a pony with a cough?
A little hoarse!


A magician was driving down the road...
... then he turned into a driveway!


Why is there no gambling in Africa?
Too many cheetahs!


Why are all the frogs around here dead?
Because they keep croaking!


Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog?
He wanted to get a long little doggy!


Have you heard about the corduroy pillow?
It's making headlines!


What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from prison?
A small medium at large!


BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE!

A dog walks into a telegraph office, puts $1 on the counter and says:
"Woof woof woof, woof woof, woof woof woof woof"

The operator says to the dog "Its $1 for 10 words, shall I put another woof on there?"
The dog then says "But that wouldn't make any sense!"

+++

Studies show that six out of seven dwarves aren't happy.
The same study also said 6 of the 7 seven dwarves aren't grumpy either.


+++


TRY THIS

How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?

...Now try reading that sentence out loud. Getcha? Got me!

+++

1 1 was a racehorse,
1 2 was 1 2.
When 1 1 1 1 race
1 2 1 1 2.




And finally...



Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they wished to  portray, as long as they were famous. 


"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him." 

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," replied Willis. "I'll play him." 

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid."
Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"  Arnold in a slow deliberate voice replied, "I'll be Bach."